Big, scary things, vulnerability and why I’ve wanted to bear hug pretty much everyone I’ve encountered since TuesdayPosted: March 10, 2011
Warning: I probably won’t even reread this post after I write it, I just need to express the clusterfuck of emotions that is my brain right now. I apologize that this will not be my best writing, I will probably swear a lot and misspell words. Bear with me. Something happened to MC this week. Let’s call it a health scare. I know my readers are a mix of people who know me in real life and those I’ve met through blogging, and although I’m sure MC wouldn’t mind, I just feel like his news isn’t mine to shout out around the internet. Anyways, this health scare, it scared the fucking shit out of me. You know how you are supposed to be the strong one when your partner needs you? Buck up and swallow shit and not cry, be the shoulder for them to lean on? Well, this week I sucked at that. I did my best to take care of him, but I also cried in the kitchen, in the car, on the couch. I cried in front of him. I was vulnerable and messy and scared and I couldn’t hide it. What it comes down to is that I love this person HUGE, BAT SHIT CRAZY amounts and I am my best self with and because of him. And it fucks with your head when something shitty happens to the person who is your rock when you come home from a 14 hour day, the person who pours you four beers and puts up (and not once stops fucking listening) with you when you gush and/or yell about the obnoxiousness that is your current existence. When you are so dramatic it’s laughable. The person that always ALWAYS encourages you and challenges you and calls you out on your shit so you can be better. When I am with him, I am home. The thought of something happening to him doesn’t register with me, doesn’t make sense to me because it just Cannot. Fucking. Happen. Except, in this silly life, it can. And I am just in the midst of the most humbling, heartbreaking gratitude that this time it didn’t. He is ok. He will be ok. Chicago trip might be cancelled, we will find out today but none of it fucking matters. Not vacations or parties or shitty jobs or the green clothes (so cute!) I’ve packed to wear this weekend. Nothing matters except the people. And MC is my person. I think one of the reasons I am crying at every drop of a fucking hat is that I have never had the beauty of my life slap me in the face quite as hard as it did this week. So many terrible, unexplainable things happen to people every day and I am one of the lucky ones who has this unbelievable support system and all these wonderful people who inspire and love me each day. I have never in my life felt more grateful than I do this week. I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed.