30 Days of Truth. Day Six.

Day: 5

Topic: Life Goals

Prompt: Something You Hope You Never Have To Do.

I never wanted to work at a job I can’t stand because it pays the bills, but here I am. I’ve never wanted to be a person who judges others, but sometimes I can’t help it. I never wanted to have to feel the indescribable pain of a broken heart, or to cause that type of suffering on another person, but both those things have happened. I never wanted to have to see a psychiatrist, but once upon a time, I had weekly appointments. I never wanted to lie, to myself or anyone else, but at times, I have. I never, ever wanted to put my needs before the needs of someone I love, but I’ve been there. I never wanted to be the girl who overdraws her checking account instead of building her savings, but she comes around from time to time. I never wanted to have the stress that comes along with a shitload of debt, but student loans will do that to you.

I never wanted to do a whole plethora of things. But am I guilty as charged? Absolutely.

There is a difference between what you don’t want to do in life, and what you can’t do. Circumstances can make you feel like you’ve been backed up against a wall, and sometimes you opt for the less than desirable choice. (And sometimes you make an entire slew of poor choices. It’s ok, I promise, you’re only human.) Sometimes you move on effortlessly, sometimes guilt and regret will continue to fuck with you long after the lessons been learned. The way I see it, you almost always, always, always have a choice. The funny (and at times morbidly depressing) thing about growing up, is that you realize that often your selection, preference, habit, decision, WHATEVER, is something you swore to yourself you would never do. Everything from your taste buds, to your idea of a rocking Saturday night, to your life passions are all subject to change. Growing means evolving, and you often find yourself far from where you started and far from where you thought you’d be, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the greatest.

If I had written about this a year ago, my never-will-I-ever would have been children. I did not want babies, no way no how- pregnancy? Yuck. Maybe it is just me evolving, or it could be because I am tied (both emotionally and geographically) to a man who I know in my heart I will never not love (and who also happens to be fucking adorable with kids) or possibly I’m just a stereotypical broad with one of them built in clocks. Regardless, now I’m starting to see myself in 10 or so years, cause Lord knows I’m not gunna be ready any time remotely soon, wanting a family. I want the swing sets and the siblings bickering, the traditions passed on, goodnight prayers said.

Fuck.

I hope to never have to do lots of things in my life; there are choices I pray to God repeatedly to never have to make. I acknowledge that there are many times where I simply will not have a say in the matter, the only decision I get to make will be how I will react. My pleasures, viewpoints and desires may flourish or digress, I may feel lost if at times the girl I was once is not the woman I became. My never-will-I-EVERS might become items crossed off a life list. And that’s okay, that’s life. My one hope though, the one thing I never want to do is to live a selfish, unexamined life. To not care or acknowledge the repercussions of my actions. If at the end of the day, I haven’t done that, I think I’ll be able to like the woman in the mirror.